QiuiAnon

A smart chastity cage that can only be controlled via its app was vulnerable to hackers putting almost 40,000 penises on lockdown, research has revealed.

Sex toy manufacturer Qiui muses on its website that “a true chastity experience is one that does not allow the wearer to have any control over their own devices”, but before it fixed its bug, that control could have been handed over to the world’s kinkiest cyber criminals, leaving pent-up couples across the globe with the eye-watering choice between spiking the contraption’s motor or taking their chances with a pair of bolt cutters.

We actually ordered 10 of Qiui’s Cellmate chastity cages earlier this year, during a failed attempt to go cold turkey from writing Downtimes about Elon Musk. Alas, an Incognito session we’ll never forget made it clear that without a solid pair of testicles to grip onto, these things will just plonk right off.

We’ve since taken to palming them off on gullible eBay customers, selling eight to a pensioner with a mouse infestation and one to a reptile sanctuary with a blind baby boa. We’ve kept the last one on our desk, though, to commemorate the day Facebook banned the QAnon conspiracy theorists from its website. At last, a mass helmet muzzling we can all get behind.