Goats on Zoom

Lancashire’s Cronkshaw Fold Farm is pimping out its portfolio of goats for video-conference appearances to fund its investment in renewable technology.

That’s right, at just a fiver a pop, remote workers now have the option to be stirred from their Zoom fatigue by the beasts that brought us such classics as Fainting goats (2010) and Goats yelling like humans (2013).

A look at some of the goats on offer provides an insight into their reputation for histrionics. Take Mary, for example, who, like every other goat and non-human animal in existence, doesn’t know what Covid-19 is. Home schooling is her permanent default, and she hasn’t even been able to plonk her kid in front of Joe Wicks. As such, the website says she “has had it with the mum life and taken the approach of letting her teenager, the sassy Simone, do whatever she wants”.

The listing for Lisa, on the other hand, sounds ideal for Talkradio hosts in need of a stand-in for their thinly spread Rent-a-Gob Gruff Peter Hitchens, with “passive aggressive bleating” and a “lack of any form of patience or tolerance of anything” among her main attributes. Just keep in mind that if you’re only really looking to simulate the Mail on Sunday columnist’s soft, velvety ears, your best bet might be Terrance.