Don’t upset the Apple Card

Apple has reiterated its searing contempt for the hoi polloi that uses its products by releasing a physical credit card you’re not supposed to put in your wallet.

The titanium card is, in Apple’s swashbuckling words, for “if you find a place that doesn’t take Apple Pay yet” – a scenario made to sound like something that in itself should induce projectile vomiting.

We now have the backwards prospect of making adjustments to our lives to accommodate Apple’s whimsical releases, which must be the realisation of the ultimate dream for Tim Cook and the gang.

AirPods cost £159 and all we ever hear about is people losing them. That would be because they have to just hang untethered out of our lumpy ears. But that doesn’t seem to put anyone off.

Do AirPods offer clues as to how we’re meant to carry this Apple Card? What else can Apple get us to do? Will it soon be considered reasonable to balance things on our heads? What if Apple suggests its cards can get scratched on contact with hair? Or smudged on contact with skin? Is the endgame us shaving and skinning ourselves to fit around Apple’s increasingly precious objects? Are we just annoyed that the MacBook Pro we write this on is badgering us for software updates? Mind your business.